I was just thinking as I was laying in bed this morning "I haven't written in a few days. I only seem to write when things are tough. Maybe I should write about how good things have been going" Should have knocked on wood or something!
For starters things have been going much smoother. It has been nice for a change. I have been happy, feeling like things are getting accomplished. McKinley has been eating, we have made it three nights in a row through dinner with no tears or fighting! It is a miracle. I haven't had that constant pit in my stomach. Until today...I don't know what it was. I guess all good things must come to an end or something like that. I promise my list of good things really was amazing, it was long, I was excited and now my mind is blank, I am numb. I hate feeling like this. I am jittery, sick to my stomach, cold, feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder. When will it end?
I really do want to be in that happy place. I like it there. I love being ready early, getting stuff done. Cooking, baking, playing with McKinley. Today I just feel like a flop like I should never have gotten out of bed. Maybe I need to just quit sulking snap out of it and make the best of a bad deal. Who am I kidding I can type all I want to sound great when I go back and read it someday but that's just not me at least not right now. Maybe I will be there at some point but I am not there yet. There's a good goal, make lemonade out of lemons. Until then I will be the best darn lemon tree I can!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
02/19/2012
I am so grateful that today was the Sabbath! I needed church so badly. I needed to partake of the sacrament, to feel of the spirit. The adversary has been so strong in our home and our lives we needed to stomp on him and hard. It was amazing to me that as we were driving to church I could feel the anticipation building, the tears were welling in me already. The opening song was "Nearer My God to Thee" and I sobbed all the way through it. Hymns have always been a strong source of the spirit for me. I am sure that most of the branch thought I was nuts. I was able to compose myself for the rest of the meetings and enjoy the spirit.
Our lessons were good. Relief Society was about Joseph Smith. I have often wondered how such a young boy could have so much faith. I have often prayed for a fraction of that myself. It brought me back to a time I was sitting in Bishop Wood's office. I remember listing off so many things that had come up that I was struggling with although now I can only seem to remember one or two. I do remember clearly tho his response to me. "Sister Dawe, think of our beloved Prophet Joseph Smith. He was such a righteous man, doing the Lord's work in all things. Look at his trials, his persecutions. You are in good company." As we were reading through the lesson today those words again had a different yet again profound effect on me. I may be going through a different set of trials today but I am trying to do the Lord's work, I am listening to the promptings of the Spirit and doing my best to follow. I pray that one day I will see the eternal picture.
As a couple we fasted and prayed for more, continued comfort and guidance on this journey. We have asked that we be prompted to know what direction to go to help us with the licensing situation. To be honest I got nothing. To me that means I need to cleave unto my husband and follow his promptings and trust that he will lead the way. I know he struggles in this, he feels that he doesn't always hear the spirit. I hope that this will be a learning/teaching opportunity.
On a lighter note McKinley drew a picture in class of our family. She brought it out to me and said "Here Mommy, you are the one that is crying and me and daddy are the happy ones" I guess now everyone knows what really knows what goes on behind closed doors!
Our lessons were good. Relief Society was about Joseph Smith. I have often wondered how such a young boy could have so much faith. I have often prayed for a fraction of that myself. It brought me back to a time I was sitting in Bishop Wood's office. I remember listing off so many things that had come up that I was struggling with although now I can only seem to remember one or two. I do remember clearly tho his response to me. "Sister Dawe, think of our beloved Prophet Joseph Smith. He was such a righteous man, doing the Lord's work in all things. Look at his trials, his persecutions. You are in good company." As we were reading through the lesson today those words again had a different yet again profound effect on me. I may be going through a different set of trials today but I am trying to do the Lord's work, I am listening to the promptings of the Spirit and doing my best to follow. I pray that one day I will see the eternal picture.
As a couple we fasted and prayed for more, continued comfort and guidance on this journey. We have asked that we be prompted to know what direction to go to help us with the licensing situation. To be honest I got nothing. To me that means I need to cleave unto my husband and follow his promptings and trust that he will lead the way. I know he struggles in this, he feels that he doesn't always hear the spirit. I hope that this will be a learning/teaching opportunity.
On a lighter note McKinley drew a picture in class of our family. She brought it out to me and said "Here Mommy, you are the one that is crying and me and daddy are the happy ones" I guess now everyone knows what really knows what goes on behind closed doors!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
02/18/2012
Since I totally suck at actually writing in a journal I figured I would start a blog (because I am so much better at that) where I could journal about our new adventure here in good ol' AK.
Where oh where do I begin? I guess I can start with the update I sent to our families today:
The black is what what actually typed the red is what I am actually feeling and wanted to say.
I know that hearing from me via e-mail isn't the most personal or ideal way but for now it is the most efficient way for me to get information out to everyone. And quite honestly I don't really feel like talking to anyone on the phone because every time I do, I cry. It has been almost a week that we have been here. In some ways it feels like that is a long time and in other ways it has flown by. We are getting settled, slowly but surely. We are mostly unpacked, the boxes that are left are dwindling in numbers (finally) and contain only the non-essentials. Trying to establish a routine on the other hand is challenging. TJ is of course working and trying to wrap jobs up while drumming up more work. His licensing fell through from the state and we are screwed! He can still get licensed but not until at least mid-April at which point he will have to take a test first (not his strong suit). He is a total stress case and I am worried he is going to have a nervous break down any day. He doesn't eat or sleep. I have been busy unpacking, cleaning, running errands, getting acquainted with the town, being mom, wife, secretary, helping TJ with work and trying to get feeling better. I have been plagued with a sinus infection on top of everything, it stinks! I am running ragged doing a million things feeling like I am accomplishing nothing. I am a total stress case too! I feel like garbage! McKinley is adjusting very well. She loves having dad home for meals and at night. She is making great friends and of course charming the pants off everyone she comes across. She really is doing great but she misses her friends, family, animals, home, toys and schedule. She is an amazingly resilient kid and will survive this. Most days she drives me nuts because she is acting out because she has no idea how to process what she is going through and I don't deal well with it. I just don't have the patience I should with her. Last night TJ got frustrated with me because I freaked over her singing about a library book. He had a good point, I was excited to come up here for the opportunity to spend more one on one time with her and be a better mother to her. Instead I have completely ignored and neglected her, what a change!
This has been quite an adventure so far for sure! So far one I could have done with out. I have to admit I have my moments. Most of which are meltdowns. I am loving being with my husband and best friend every day. Having my family together again is a dream come true! I do have my down moments for sure and that is where you all have come in to play. I cant tell you how much a quick text, phone call or e-mail has meant to us (me especially). We can definitely feel your love, support and prayers. Thank you! I have received so many inspirational messages and "thinking of you" calls and texts it is amazing. There are several people that have called and told me that they have put my name in the temple and are praying for us, it means so much. We NEED it so much right now.
I will continue to try and keep updating but in the mean time please know we love and miss you all terribly. If we miss a call or don't respond promptly to a message, we will eventually but things are a little crazy here for now.
Much love,
Bree
There is so much I wish I knew. I hate uncertainty! I feel like my life is a ball of instability right now and I would love to flush it down the toilet and start over. I don't know that I would go as far as saying that I wish we wouldn't have moved but I am close to that point. I was so certain that this was where we were supposed to be, Petersburg was the place for us. I felt so prompted, so sure. The adversary is working so hard on us right now that the doubt and uncertainty are eating me alive. I pray for peace and comfort and it comes for a time but then the vicious cycle starts over again. We are both going through that so we aren't of much comfort to each other. The funny part of it is we are both worried about different things. In the end we both have the same end goal which is good but in the mean time I don't know how to cope. He wants to sit and talk the same things through over and over and over and over. It makes my head spin. I can only deal with one day at a time right now. I can't control anything so what good is talking about it going to do? I have prayed and read my scriptures and found some comfort and I wish he would do the same. I guess that is how we work, we are so different and that is what makes us a good team.
I just wish something would give and go right for us. A break at this point would be nice.
Where oh where do I begin? I guess I can start with the update I sent to our families today:
The black is what what actually typed the red is what I am actually feeling and wanted to say.
I know that hearing from me via e-mail isn't the most personal or ideal way but for now it is the most efficient way for me to get information out to everyone. And quite honestly I don't really feel like talking to anyone on the phone because every time I do, I cry. It has been almost a week that we have been here. In some ways it feels like that is a long time and in other ways it has flown by. We are getting settled, slowly but surely. We are mostly unpacked, the boxes that are left are dwindling in numbers (finally) and contain only the non-essentials. Trying to establish a routine on the other hand is challenging. TJ is of course working and trying to wrap jobs up while drumming up more work. His licensing fell through from the state and we are screwed! He can still get licensed but not until at least mid-April at which point he will have to take a test first (not his strong suit). He is a total stress case and I am worried he is going to have a nervous break down any day. He doesn't eat or sleep. I have been busy unpacking, cleaning, running errands, getting acquainted with the town, being mom, wife, secretary, helping TJ with work and trying to get feeling better. I have been plagued with a sinus infection on top of everything, it stinks! I am running ragged doing a million things feeling like I am accomplishing nothing. I am a total stress case too! I feel like garbage! McKinley is adjusting very well. She loves having dad home for meals and at night. She is making great friends and of course charming the pants off everyone she comes across. She really is doing great but she misses her friends, family, animals, home, toys and schedule. She is an amazingly resilient kid and will survive this. Most days she drives me nuts because she is acting out because she has no idea how to process what she is going through and I don't deal well with it. I just don't have the patience I should with her. Last night TJ got frustrated with me because I freaked over her singing about a library book. He had a good point, I was excited to come up here for the opportunity to spend more one on one time with her and be a better mother to her. Instead I have completely ignored and neglected her, what a change!
This has been quite an adventure so far for sure! So far one I could have done with out. I have to admit I have my moments. Most of which are meltdowns. I am loving being with my husband and best friend every day. Having my family together again is a dream come true! I do have my down moments for sure and that is where you all have come in to play. I cant tell you how much a quick text, phone call or e-mail has meant to us (me especially). We can definitely feel your love, support and prayers. Thank you! I have received so many inspirational messages and "thinking of you" calls and texts it is amazing. There are several people that have called and told me that they have put my name in the temple and are praying for us, it means so much. We NEED it so much right now.
I will continue to try and keep updating but in the mean time please know we love and miss you all terribly. If we miss a call or don't respond promptly to a message, we will eventually but things are a little crazy here for now.
Much love,
Bree
There is so much I wish I knew. I hate uncertainty! I feel like my life is a ball of instability right now and I would love to flush it down the toilet and start over. I don't know that I would go as far as saying that I wish we wouldn't have moved but I am close to that point. I was so certain that this was where we were supposed to be, Petersburg was the place for us. I felt so prompted, so sure. The adversary is working so hard on us right now that the doubt and uncertainty are eating me alive. I pray for peace and comfort and it comes for a time but then the vicious cycle starts over again. We are both going through that so we aren't of much comfort to each other. The funny part of it is we are both worried about different things. In the end we both have the same end goal which is good but in the mean time I don't know how to cope. He wants to sit and talk the same things through over and over and over and over. It makes my head spin. I can only deal with one day at a time right now. I can't control anything so what good is talking about it going to do? I have prayed and read my scriptures and found some comfort and I wish he would do the same. I guess that is how we work, we are so different and that is what makes us a good team.
I just wish something would give and go right for us. A break at this point would be nice.
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